


Ask a Silly Question

by artificiallifecreator



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Ninja, Swearing, Underage Drinking (mention), Wallace & Gromit - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2019-10-02 17:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17268251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificiallifecreator/pseuds/artificiallifecreator
Summary: ... and get a silly story!A home for ficlets inspired by chats and tumblr posts!(Please see "Ask Another Silly Question" for ficlets about the BatFam!)





	1. Tam & Tim & Pru & Ninja

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Gossip”

After a gruelling, four day mission in the Amazon, Tim and Pru are finally back in the Cradle; they heave themselves into their quarters and Tim calls, dragging off his cowl, "Hey, Tam!" and flops face first onto the couch.

Pru grumbles, sits down on his lower legs.

Tim grunts, zones out.

Like, five, ten minutes go by and Tam doesn’t reply.

Tim frowns, calls, “Tam?”

Nothing.

He pulls himself out from under Pru (who gives him a stink eye) and checks Tam’s room.

Empty.

Checks their shared washroom.

Also empty.

“Pru?”

A grunt.

“Where’s Tam?”

“”The fuck would I know?””

Clanging alarms in Tim’s head get louder.

He crosses quickly to the entry, grabbing his cowl on the way—

“The fuck're ye doin'?”

“Looking for Tam.”

“We just got back from a sixteen hour flight. Sit the fuck down, ya lunatic.”

“I’m responsible—“

“So she’s not here with a hot meal and a warm bed—“

“Don’t you _dare_ talk about her like that.”

Pru just rolls her eyes. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Do you want the list alphabetically, in terms of severity, or by percent change of occurrence of ‘what could possibly go wrong with a civilian hostage in an underground complex full of assassins and ninja’!” and he may be yelling by the end of that.

The door opens and a ninja peeks in.

Tim rounds on them—

“”Hey!”” calls Tam, then she slips by the ninja—

“You’re okay!” Tim scoops her up in a hug.

“Uh, yea? Hostage, remember?” Tam cuckles weakly. “Girl Hostage—if we’re still riffing on the whole ‘Robin’ thing? What’s the worst that could happen?” Gently pushes away with one hand, the other holding a (mostly full, thank god) bottle of arak.

The ninja—a whole five-person squad, now that the door’s fully open—wave—

Tam twists around, beaming, and waves—remembers the bottle—“Oh, here.”

The ninja decline, bow to Tim, and flutter off.

“Anyway,” says Tam, strolling to the couch. “Sorry I worried you guys—“

“Worried _Birdbrain_ ,” grumbles Pru.

Tam frowns. “You wound me, Woods. Blow to my heart.”

“Disinfect it with that shite—“ Nods to the bottle. “—and I guarantee you’ll get drunk.”

“I’m not dumb,” says Tam, "and neither were they.” Crosses her arms. “I’ll have you know we made sundaes and the only questionable decisions made were about the amount of ice cream and possibly sprinkles. Anyway, as I was saying, I meant to be back before you guys got back but I lost track of time.” Glances at the bottle. “This didn’t help.”

Tim sinks into an armchair. “But you’re fine.”

Tam nods. “A bit buzzed if that counts, but I’m no more scarred than I was when I left.”

Tim squawks, “You left?!”

“I wasn’t going to hang around here for four days by myself! Seriously, Tim!”

Pru heaves a sigh. “Honest to god, Birdy.”

Tim ruffles—

“Right!” Tam slides onto the couch, eyes bright. “So, you guys leave, I got back to sleep for a bit, then I get up, have a lazy morning, get some work done, and then one of those guys shows up and asks if I want to have lunch with them. So off we went, they went on a run with me, we have dinner, one of them gets some Ethiopian soap opera playing on a tablet—“

Pru, tiredly, says, “I do wanna hear more about your week, but I am super curious how you got a liter and a half of the good stuff—“ Takes the bottle. “The _really_ good stuff.”

“Honestly? I have no idea,” says Tam. “It just kind of appeared in the kitchenette yesterday morning.”

Tim drops his head to his hands. “You’ve been drinking super mysterious, super alcoholic alcohol and you didn’t even think to question it?”

“Jesus, Tim! Of _course_ I questioned it! The ninja got all clammed up when I brought it up and then asked, if I wasn’t going to drink it, if they could have it so I figured it was okay!” Looks anywhere but either Pru or Tim. “Plus they offered to share it and i didn’t want to decline and be rude.” Narrows her eyes at Tim. “Or be ditched somewhere weird— _weirder_ —or back here on my own with no hope of social interaction for the rest of my likely very short life.”

Tim scowls, but he looks anywhere but at Tam.

She continues: “So today I head out, hoping to find a book or _something_ to do—“

Pru grunts in commiseration.

“—I didn’t want to just wait around to see if those guy were or weren’t going to show up but I needn’t have worried: I ran into them, like, three turns later. But the best part?” Her eyes gleam.

Pru even seems a bit awake.

“I got _so_ much gossip, guys, it’s _awesome_!” Tam’s eyes sparkle like two fistfuls of glitter. “I had to make relationship charts and everything!!!”

Pru looks like Tam physically wounded her. (Tim wants to make a joke about disinfecting it with the arak but he has honestly no idea how to spin it.) “You are _such_ a nerd.”

“I don’t care~!” Tam squees.

“Wait, no, yer not a nerd, yer a _square_.”

“I’m the best damn square you’re _ever_ going to meet.”

Pru has no way of arguing with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vellaphoria and I were wondering how to celebrate the one year anniversary of "[Deadfall](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11707563)"; I said, "Remember how I :DDDDly suggested you convert University Gossip into ninja drama?" and then answered my own prompt!


	2. Tim & Assassin Trio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Believer”
> 
> From the Tim Drake discord server in the “Z-Owens-Pru-Tim” channel, Ches said, “i don’t really ship this as much i find it hilarious that they could pop up to check in on tim at the most inconvenient times”

Tim emerges from his bedroom, tugging on his cape and halfway through a powerbar. 

“Took you long enough,” greets Owens. 

Tim ….

Z twists into view from the couch, smiles. 

Tim gathers his wits about him, affixes his cape, and swallows his mouthful of powerbar. “Clothes are in your drawer, extra towels are in the closet.” Continues to the window. “Have a good evening.”

“Not so fast,” says Owens, blocking his path. “You’re hanging with us tonight.”

“I have patrol.”

Beeping from the kitchen. 

As Owens herds Tim to the couch, Z says, “And we have ninja.” 

Tim doesn’t whine, he /says, “I won’t solve all my problems with ninja.”

But Z tugs him down and settles him into his lap. 

“Guys—“

Z tucks Tim’s head under his chin. “Hush, grasshopper.”

“I do have to work.”

Owens snickers as he tosses himself onto the couch, then, “You /are working: you’re wooing three of Ra’s al Ghul’s top assassins away from the dark side.” 

A very sad beep from the kitchen, and Pru storms out. “That microwave is a piece of shite.”

Z rearranges Tim’s arms and seems to nod at Owens. 

“Yea, yea, I’m going.” He heaves himself to his feet and shtumps to the kitchen. 

Pru crosses between the couch and the coffee table, scooping up Tim’s feet and dumping them on the couch, and takes Owens’ place. “Hurry it up, kitchen boy!”

”Fuck you, Pru!” 

Z snags the remote. “And with that—“

Tim adopts a German accent: “Play ta movie, yah?”

Pru growls, “if one of those songs gets stuck in my head—“

Z says, “Love will be out to get you?”

“I hate you and everything you stand for.”

Tim’s is a wide grin: “That’s the way it seems.”

Pru jabs a finger in his direction. “Disappointment will haunt /all yer dreams.” 

Owens calls, “and now I’m a believer that this microwave is a piece of junk!”

“It’s just delicate!” says Tim. He pushes from Z, “Here—“

”Mm, nope.” Z draws him even closer. “I have you now, my pretty.”

Pru cackles. 

Owens does eventually get popcorn and leftovers reheated and, after a spat with Pru, wins back a spot on the couch, and they get some food into Tim before he passes out when the cartoon cuts to its second commercial.   



	3. Tim & Tam & Cass & Steph (& ninja)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't inspired by a question but was inspired by the Ides of March! Twas quite a bit of fun to write ^u^
> 
> "Silver"

There’s a spoon on Tim’s desk.

A fancy spoon: intricate scrollwork, stem—

Tim hefts it.

—and made of silver.

Tim ... checks the area for ninja (none besides the usual bored quartet that make up his unsolicited entourage; Tim makes a note to remember to introduce them to D&D and maybe write a campaign for them. Ra’s isn’t the only person who can convert people :DDDD ), so he opens a drawer in his desk and drops the spoon in.  
As he and Tam run the day’s gauntlet of meetings, Tim discovers a matching fork tucked under the clip of a clipboard, its fellow knife in a pencil holder (blade down), and their cousins: a fish fork in the cutlery drawer when he heats himself up a bowl of instant ramen in the microwave, a dessert spoon with his pudding cup, and a grapefruit knife in the medicine cabinet in the private en-suite washroom of his office.

When he returns to his desk, there’s a fondue fork on his laptop. 

“Hey, Tam?” he calls.

Nothing.

Tim frowns, shuffles closer in his chair, and pokes the landline.

“”Tamara Fox,”” answers Tam.

“Hey, Tam, it’s Tim.”

“”Hey, Tim, what’s up?””

“D’you know what’s going on with this—er, the fancy cutlery that’s showing up everywhere?”

“”What cutlery?””

“The fancy—I’ll just come show you.”

“”Good plan, Mr Drake Wayne.”” Then, after a pause, “”Probably should’ve done that in the first place.””

“Yea, probably.”

“”Door’s open; See you soon!””

Tim hums, hangs up, gathers up the silverware—frowns, drops the silverware to his desk, dumps out his pencil holder in a top drawer, then pours the silverware into the cup, kicks his skateboard out from under his desk, and pushes off towards Tam’s office.

 

“Shiny!” She greets.

“Yea.” Tim deposits the cup on her desk. “You know what's going on?”

She plucks out the spoon. “I don’t. Wish I did—“ Waves the spoon. “This stuff is sure pretty.”

Tim acknowledges, absently picks up the cup and heads for the door.

"Before you go, could you do me a favor?"

"Yea, sure, what's up?"

"For the LeClare meeting—one of the files I asked for didn't make it up—"

"I seem to recall we have an army of interns at our disposal that would rival the League of Assassins' ninja."

Tam's smile flattens into something dryer. "You'd think."

"Already sent an intern?"

"Yeeep. Getting the impression they may have gotten lost."

"Or, consider: they ran away to become a ninja."

"Please don't even joke about that."

Tim grins, then, "Would you like me to set out on a epic quest to find your intern?"

"I'd settle for the file _if_ you don't have to go halfway around the world for it."

"I only do that when I have a gut feeling and some shaky evidence that the subject of my quest is lost in time."

"They've certainly lost time."

Tim makes a show of thinking, then, "I'd say my odds are fifty fifty of needing a flight to Germany."

Tam makes a show of considering. "Not bad odds."

"Not bad at all."

"Well then!" Tam sits straight, spins herself around, grabs a—" _Fuck."_

"More cutlery?"

"I'm out of sticky notes, _shit._ "

"This is why you replace your pad of sticky notes after wallpapering your boss's bathroom." Tim pushes off. "I'll go grab you some." He glides down the hall—

There's a caviar spoon on Mr Fox's desk.

Tim pops his board, pads in, and stuffs it in his pocket, whispering, "What the fuck."

"Tim," greets Lucius Fox.

Tim whips around—"Mr Fox! How are you?"

"I'm fine, Tim, thank you for asking." He steps around Tim to his desk. "How are you?"

"Not bad! Just grabbing some sticky notes for Tam and I sent my board in the wrong direction." Cringes. "Sorry if I scuffed your desk."

Lucius isn't bothered and says, "As long as that board's just for skating and not 'of directors'," says Mr Fox.

Tim snickers.

"Good luck with the LeClare meeting, not that you need much of it, I hear."

"Thank you, Mr Fox."

Lucius nods, and Tim sees himself out, and pushes off down the hall to the supply cupboard.

Upon arrival, he pops off his board, lets himself in, aaaaand ....

There's. A lot.

He picks a filing cabinet and opens a drawer—

Highlighters.

—closes it and tries another drawer—

A fish knife among the magic markers.

Tim stares at it.

The fish knife, lacking eyes, doesn't stare back.

It doesn't even _try._

Tim frowns, grabs it and stuffs it in his pocket, and pointedly leaves the supply closet—

Tam's sticky notes.

—makes an abrupt about-face, consults the whiteboard map on the far wall, goes to the correct filing cabinet and opens the correct drawer, selects a pack with seven! colors, and then, pleased with himself, drops his board, and sets off back to Tam's office at a good clip. 

She cheers when he returns.

Tim bows, tosses over the pack. "I found more cutlery, too."

Tam tears open the cellophane. "Seriously?"

"Yea." Tim takes his latest acquisitions from his pocket and offers one: "A caviar fork on your dad's desk—"

"Fancy!"

He drops it in the pencil-turned-cutlery cup and holds up the other: "—and a fish knife in the supply closet with the magic markers."

"Did he say anything about it?"

"Tam," Tim says pityingly. "Magic markers _aren't_ actually magic." Then, "I don't think he saw the fork; I just told him I shot my board into his office by accident." Fiddles with a paperweight on Tam's desk. "He wishes us luck for later."

"N'awwwww." Tam scribbles on a red sticky note and hands it to him with a flourish. "Name and address for our missing file!"

"Thank you, Ms Fox."

"And thank _you_ , Mr Drake. I’ll collect it and you in fifteen for the LeClare meeting?”

He sketches a wave, grabs the cup and pushes off towards the elevator, then to Filing—

A ninja, formerly dozing in a stack, scrambles to attention.

Tim waves them away, "As you were, Lilay." puts the cup on a shelf, and goes a hunting for this file—

There's a cream cheese spreader beside a box.

(Just some random box.)

"What the fuck." Tim turns to the ninja. "Were you having a bagel?” 

The ninja's 'wtf' speaks volumes. 

“Then what the fuck is a cream cheese spreader doing in here?" 

The ninja ... shrugs? 

Tim picks it up. 

The cream cheese spreader doesn't offer any clues. 

The ninja .... 

Tim shrugs, drops it in his pocket, and resumes his search. 

The ninja hops off the shelf and takes the other side of the filing room. 

"Hey, Lilay?" calls Tim. 

The ninja pokes their head into the aisle. 

"You wouldn't happen to have seen the intern Tam sent, have you?" 

The ninja shakes their head.

Tim also shakes his head, but for different, long suffering reasons. "Interns."  

The ninja shrugs, indicates the stack. 

"Yea, thanks." 

The ninja disappears back into the stacks—reappears triumphant with the file.

"You are the very best, Lilay, like no one ever was," says Tim, accepting it.

The ninja preens.

"Thank you very much, and enjoy a most deserved nap."

The ninja preens!!!

Tim makes to leave and grabs his board—"Oh, Lilay?"

The ninja attends.

"If ever you’re in a position where the only thing left is a cream cheese spreader, _use it_ , otherwise you may end up with a temporal paradox." 

The ninja ... offers a thumbs up. 

Tim nods approvingly, pushes—snaps the cream cheese spreader at the ninja. 

The ninja .... 

“To catch them is your real test?” Tim shrugs helplessly. "To train you is my cause!” 

The ninja throws it back. 

Tim grins as he grabs it from the air; he adds it the cup as he collects it, and pushes out of Filing and towards the elevator, and then to his office. 

There’s a dessert fork on his laptop.

“What the fuck,” he whispers. Tim puts down the file and the cup of cutlery, then runs a hand through his hair while survey the office—

There’s something in his pocket.

He investigates.

There’s a lobster pick in his pocket.

“What the hell???”

Something jabs him in the back—

He whirls with a nerve strike—

Cass is already out of range with a spork while Steph _howls_ with laughter and Tam snickers from the doorframe.

“What the hell!”

Cass approaches and presses the spork into his hand. “Thirteen.”

Steph cackles. “Happy ides of March, Ex Boyfriend.”

“The ides of March have _nothing_ to do with thirteen pieces of silver!”

Tam concedes but, “I might not be here in April.”

Cass adds, “But backstabbing.”

Tim rounds on the other two. “Which of you taught her puns.”

Cass griiiiiins, and gathers him in a hug.

“I am not happy!” Tim protests.

Cass hushes him and strokes his hair.

“I am not!”

“But we are,” says Steph.

Tim pouts—“How did you get by the ninja?”

Tam explains, “I just asked if they wanted to help play a really stupid prank on you. They’re so bored they jumped are the chance for something to do!”

“I am no longer speaking to any of you.”

Cass hums and kisses his forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I didn't want to hide 30 silver utensils around WE so it's thirteen, instead! I also didn't remember until I was almost done that the Ides of March and '30 pieces of silver' were two separate events, but it does make this piece somewhat timely! 
> 
> Research: cutlery -> Wikipedia -> List of eating utensils -> Spoons, Forks  
> seven coloured, tricolour but with seven


	4. Tim & Tam; N & Batman & Robin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim and Tam talk redecorating.

The Messenger app on Tam’s phone announces a call from Tim.

Given the number of times they’ve tapped that damn button by mistake, she figures it’s another mistap and declines the call.

A minute later, Messenger announces a second call from Tim, so Tam picks up: “Your bum calls are getting more accurate.”

“My bum calls—? Oh, heh, this— _these_ times were on purpose.”

“Oh rly,” says Tam, leaning back in her seat. “Tell me more about this idea you don’t mind Messenger recording.”

Silence from the other end.

Then, “I’ll call you right back.”

Tam chuckles.

A minute later, her phone rings.

Tam picks up.

“So,” says Tim, “The Wayne Enterprise private jet.”

Tam drinks a mouthful of tea. “Mhm?”

“How do you feel about wallpaper?”

Tam snorts out some tea.

“Not on the outside, obviously—but now that I think about it, there are shrink wrap decals ....”

“What kind of wallpaper?” croaks Tam.

“I hadn’t gotten that far, but consider—“

“Quick question: not that I mind, but this is the kinda thing you go ahead with and I find out about inconveniently later, so I’m curious why you’re spilling the beans so early.”

“Well, if we do wallpaper the inside of the planes, there’s something I want lumped in to the order ....”

...

A week and a half later, Batman, Nightwing and Robin in his wake, boards the BatPlane.

And goes no further.

N bumps into his back, and Robin knocks into N. N peers around

Batman—

“This delay is uncalled for!” snaps Robin.

N absently cups the back of Robin’s head. “Hush, baby bat—“

“Nightwing, I have said—“

N shushes him again, then turns and calls, “Hey, Alfie? Can you come here a sec?”

Alfred approaches quickly.

“So, question: am I high, or is the inside of the BatPlane wallpapered out of the 70s?”

Alfred ... Alfred adjusts the cuffs on his jacket. “It would seem, Master Nightwing, that thé inside of the BatPlane is indeed wallpapered in a manner befitting the nineteen seventies.”

“Okay, good, I thought so. So I guess then we should head out ... if I can get this void here moving!”

“I wish you the best, Master Nightwing. If you would excuse me.”

N waves, Alfred leaves, and the door to the BatPlane closes.

...

It’s a while before they discover that the BatPlane’s also been shrink wrapped with a glow in the dark decal screaming, “RED ROBIN II THE BEST”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by "Wallace and Gromit: A Grand Day Out" in which Wallace and Gromit build a spaceship and go to the moon.  
> The spaceship? Has _wallpaper_!  
> (and easy chairs and a fireplace, but the wallpaper's the important part : D)
> 
> 409 words; written in the timtam channel of Capes & Coffee on March03/2019

**Author's Note:**

> Fan of Tim Drake? Come join us at “Capes & Coffee” on Discord!
> 
> https://discord.gg/TyyHD6Z


End file.
